• Mattye Hargrow

So Full of...

Webster defines "RESENTMENT" as a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury. As a single-mother having resentment is something that I have had my fair share. If I am transparent, I honestly have not fully mastered this. However, the ultimate resentment stems from my son's father.

I chose this motherhood journey. I chose Declan. Declan did not choose us, so why should he have to suffer? I wake up every morning listening to the different variations of the ABC's. I get to see the face of a beautiful, healthy, and happy little boy. The resentment towards my son's father started the day that I chose this journey.

Not having a supportive partner and a present partner took a toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally. To sit in the waiting room and watch all the other partners be excited about this new chapter was heartbreaking. I started to schedule my appointments in the morning. By doing this, when everyone started to show up, I was walking out the door. It took a turn for the worse when I had to have an emergency c-section and watch our son ( I use the term lightly) in the NICU for 13 days with wires and everything else hooked up to him. While he was doing whatever it was that kept him away, I sat in anger, pain, and RESENTMENT.

Here we are a year later, and if you're wondering, yes, I still have resentment towards him. Yes, it has gotten better, but it still exists. The healing process started with these four steps.

1. I had to accept that I was going to be a single momma, and I think this was the hardest of them all. In my mind, I wanted this perfect picture family. I wanted us to both be apart of Declan's world. And when it didn't happen the way I wanted it, it crushed me.

2. I had to accept that no matter how much I cried, begged, and pleaded for him to come around and be apart of Declan's life, he was not.

3. To forgive me because I blame me for him not being around.

4. Lastly, I prayed for God to heal my heart. I prayed that God would soften my heart towards him. To take away the anger so I can enjoy this new chapter.

Here we are a year later, and do I find myself slipping back, YES! It is in the moments when he is fighting sleep or wakes up early, or if I am trying to get something done. At these moments, I think this would be easier if he were present. But in the back of my mind, that's not an option. So what do I do, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and handle business!

So I ask if you are dealing with resentment towards someone, what are some steps to take to heal?

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