• Mattye Hargrow

The Unspoken

Updated: Dec 15, 2020

Having Declan was the best and worst day of my life. Everyone always talks about the joys of motherhood, but there are two sides to everything. Yes, I was able to carry and birth a healthy baby boy ( which some women are unable to do). Was it the way I pictured it in my mind?... NOT! After having a c-section, they took Declan to the NICU, where my mom followed. I headed to recovery. Because of my preeclampsia and Declan's heart-rate, I was unable to visit him for 24 hrs. I missed some of the things that mommies dread, such as the first poop and the first bath. That's when I believe my "baby blues" started. As you could imagine, I was full of emotions. For the next 24 hrs, my mom was running between the NICU and my bedside because I wanted to know everything that was concerning Declan.

After spending four days in the hospital and going back and forth to the NICU, it was time for me to go home. Leaving Declan was the hardest thing I have ever done. Mentally, I knew that his stay was the best for him at the time, but emotionally I was not ready to leave my baby with strangers. Although all the nurses at Anne Arundel Medical Center were and still are amazing, I couldn't wrap my mind around it. The thoughts of something happening to him haunted me.

Sitting at home, looking at all of his stuff just made me angry. It's like I knew that I had a baby, I got to see and hold him, but there was no baby. I wanted my house filled with the sounds of his cries, and that just wasn't my story. They tell you to rest and let your body heal, but how could I, knowing that someone else other than myself was doing everything I've dreamed of since deciding to keep him.

While everyone around me life was going back to normal, I was spiraling out. And just that quick, the devil started preying on me. Thoughts of something happening to me because I was going back and forth to the hospital. The idea of something happening to my mom whenever she left me for more than 30 mins. I was having thoughts that he would never leave the NICU and would be developmentally delayed consumed me. I was sleep-deprived because every three hours like clockwork, I would call the NICU to get Declan's vitals. How many ounces did he drink? What was his sugar level? How was his temp? Did he have a bowel movement? I think the nurses were just about tired of me. It got so bad that I even asked the doctor to put me on medication because I knew I needed help to put me back together.

Let's not talk about the fact that his dad was nowhere in sight. I had all this anger and hatred built up. Here I am on the couch, can barely move, stressed about every little thing, and you can walk, go to work, and do everything else but visit your son. Or even pick up the phone and say something. PISSED was the understatement.

I never thought that I could feel so alone, with so many people around. I cried about everything. I just wanted Declan home with me. The baby blues are real. It took the joy that I had once had, and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to feel like myself again. But in everything, there is a lesson to be learned. I had to learn that God's timing is sufficient. He never gives me something I couldn't handle. He puts us in situations that will allow us to see how great he is.

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